temporary Sanity? lets hope it sticks...

I feel better today than i have the whole summer. last night i had a much needed talk with my father. He and i are closer than a kid and parent probably should be, but it works. he's my mom and my dad and my best friend. he's always been there for me. And i honestly feel like I'm loosing him.

he's currently with this woman. shes flat out crazy. she loves spending my fathers money and makes hardly any of her own. (by this i mean 800 MAX a month, and this does not go far at all in the greater Seattle area) she pretends to be your friend, share secrets with you, while in turn taking any information she gets from you and twisting it in her evil way to make you seem hateful, angry and just plain mean. Maz and I were there for three weeks, and it was the most miserable summer vacation i have ever had. the amount of lies, and vileness coming from this woman was just sickening. i spent all my time with my daughter and tried to keep away from her as much as possible. the fights she started with my father were countless. the lies she told about me, to me and words she twisted to replay to my father and my grandmother were countless. i wanted to go home after the first two days. but i held out thinking that mazie and i would have time alone with my dad. we did. the last day i was in town, we got 4 hours with him alone. to run errands. this was the only time she allowed us to have with him.

the day i left to go back home, my mother died. we arrived home and the next day i flew back to my dad's place to borrow a car and drive to Canada and help my little brother deal with mom's funeral. the minute i arrived at his house, the first words from her mouth were not I'm so sorry or anything like that. she said, well at least you don't have to deal with your mothers bullshit anymore. she's dead.    i don't care who the hell you are, or how horrid of a mother she was to me, NO ONE has a fucking right to say that shit. NO ONE DOES.

more things happened, including a fight her and i had which got me kicked out of my dad's home because she's a fucking nutty lying bitch. (my dad and i made the decision for me to be away from her because he knew she would not stop) i actually slapped her across the face. i should say, that i have never ever EVER hit anyone in my life. i got the shit kicked out of me in high school, and just stood there. i don't hit or hurt. i just don't. but this woman pushed me farther than anyone in my life ever has. the filth and vileness pouring from her mouth was so immense, before i knew what was happening i was slapping her.

i spent the next week in Canada with my brother and family. when i got back to my home town, my dad and i talked. he kept saying he believes things i say and he believes things she says. he was on the phone with her for 75% of the fight and heard everything. including her acting like i was attacking her, when i was on the other side of the door and he could hear how far away i was. (he told me this) I have never been so hurt or felt so betrayed in my life. i told NOTHING but the truth. he heard a HUGE part of the scuffle and knew that everything she was saying while he was on the phone was a lie. we have compared notes, and he knows that she has been twisting everything i have said to her and repeated it back to him in a hurtful way to make it look like i am talking shit about my own father. it's things that i have dealt with my whole life, and shit i could give a crap about. i don't live with him. i don't even live NEAR him. these things SHE HATES about him are things i don't have to deal with, much less be pissed about. SHE bitches about him to me and tells him that I am the one bitching. it's all just... too much and too hurtful and just plain on NOT TRUTH.

since that night, i have been hurting. hurt by my actions and how they effected my father. hurt by the fact that i asked him to be with me at my mothers funeral and because the new girlfriend thought it was fucked up that i asked, i retracted it. he should have been there to honor his ex wife and to stand by my side. everyone expected him to be there, ESPECIALLY for me. And he wasn't. I can't call his house, because i fear i will have to talk to HER on the phone. he asked me to send her a letter saying i was sorry, so i did. because HE asked me to. will i get a letter in response for how she is sorry for all the bullshit she has done? no i won't. she is texting her daughters about how evil i am. she's telling my dad I'm a horrible person, and apparently he finally told her to fucking shut up *thanks dad* but he's still with her. Last night i called him at work, and i unloaded. i haven't cried that hard in front of him in so long. I told him how worried i was, i felt like i not only lost my mother but i was loosing my father as well. i didn't like how she deceived. how she lies. how she twists truth. how she wants to have this family with my kid, but not with me. i told him i won't have her near my child or in my house. if she is saying this filth to him, what would she say to my kid? i told him i was worried about her spending his money. she maxed out one of his credit cards. he commented "yes, and the fucker is in my pocket as we speak." he also stated to me that things with her haven't been good all summer. even before i got there. but he keeps saying he doesn't know what he's going to do. and THAT scares me.

i told him i was sorry for unloading on him. that i knew it wasn't fair, she is his choice of partner, and I'm his only child. it's not fair to him for me to unload, but i had to do it. i had to tell him because i have NOT been okay. not okay at all. a fit of depression has hit me so fucking hard, that it hurts to breathe. it hurts to smile. Hell, it hurts to wake up and just be alive.

i WANT to live. i WANT to be happy.

i feel better today than i have this whole summer. I said what i needed too. I'm going to focus on MY family and myself. i am finally going to grieve for my mother. as shitty as she was and as ABSENT as she was, she was my only one. i loved her, and i miss her. and that BITCH tried to take that from me. tried to make it so i was so wrapped up in what happened with her, that i forgot to grieve for my dead mother. fuck her. i won't allow her to win. I'm STRONGER than that.

one day at a time. i do that with my sobriety, i need to do that for my brain as well. Today is a new day, and tomorrow is another day dawning.

Im afraid.

it's true. I'm afraid. i don't REALLY know why, but i am. i don't like leaving my house. at all. even if it is to go to my best friends house, or someplace really fun. i just don't like it. i have no problems at all with people coming to MY house and hanging out. it's not people seeing me that is an issue. it's me leaving my safe place that is the issue. And i don't know why!!

Some days i want to leave the house and not come back til it's dinner time or later. doesn't matter what we do, i just don't want to be here. days like those, my safe place feels like a prison. I need to escape, and most times i do. It makes me feel better.

most days i just want to stay home, in my safe place, wearing my jammies all day and just chill with my kid. usually when Jake comes home we will do something. A walk, play at the park, something. and that's good. but i can't do it on my own.

Maybe it's my depression. maybe i really DO need help and i can't really do this by myself. I'm scared. i don't want to be on meds, i don't want to have to rely on some stupid pill to make me feel like a "normal" human. i don't like the idea of that at all, especially with my experience of taking meds for this before. i lost who i was. the girl who makes people laugh, she didn't exist when i was on meds. and i refuse to let her disappear again.

I'm lost. I'm scared and i don't know what to do. right now there is not much i CAN do, being poor as hell and not having medical insurance. oh well. ill figure it out. I always seem to manage.

fuck my brain. i want a new one.

Can the rest of my summer be NOT shitty please?

it's been well over a month since i have posted. spent three weeks with my dad in bellingham, and that sucked. got zero time with him and way too much time with his girlfriend. im not a fan. thats all there is to say about that.

on the drive back to reno, we stop at our hotel for the night. just maz and I. my little brother calls and informs me that our mother has died. great. im alone with my 2 year old in a hotel, 8 hours from my husband and 8 hours from my dad. im freaking out. but im trying HARD not to let my kid see it because she's just TWO. so i keep my cool til she is passed out, lock myself in the bathroom with the fan on and shower running and proceed to cry like a baby. never felt so alone in my life.

next day, we get home to my man, and i break down in sobs in his arms. 10 min later im laughing and making plane reservations. i fly BACK to bellingham in less than 12 hours. spend two days in bellingham then drive up to clearwater to help my brother with all the bullshit that goes along with someone dying. it's not fun, but us fucked up kids made it funny, oh boy did we make it funny lol

there is too much to tell about my mom and i's relationship, or really... lack of relationship. basically she left me when i was two, and i saw her summers til i was about 13. then it was farther between visits. i have had a lot of hurt and anger about how she treated me for years, but as i had my own life and grew up, i learned to let it go. i realized how messed up she is, and it's not my fault. and now that she is gone, i never have to wait for that phone call again, one i'd been waiting for since i was 13. and i feel release.

its a blessing really, finally get to know my brother as the young man he is. finally get to know my family who so long wanted something of a relationship with me, but my mom kept me away from all that.

learned so much in the last 12 days, that i need to work on ME. i need to work on being the absolute best me i can be for jake and mazie. I see what i can be should i not care, but i do. i learned the mom and wife i NEVER want to be, and for that... i thank my mother. but i also thank her for the laughs. I am SO much my mothers daughter, its really not funny. but i have the tools to be better than her. and i have the support.

my writing is slap dash and horrid, but im not editing anything because it flowed out this way for a reason. feels like a bit of therapy... but i think i will spell check ;)

the sadness comes and goes, but i think thats how people heal. right now im missing my mom a lot. mostly because i want to laugh, and she could always make me laugh.

Miss you mom... i always missed you.

tomorrow is a new day.

sadness, but im not REALLY sure why...

The Maz and i leave for WA in 7 days arriving in good ol' Bellingham in 8. i am VERY excited to see my family, but sad about leaving my family here. we won't be with jakey on fathers day. he's totally ok with this since he has to work anyway, but it still sucks. And i won't get to see my awesome AWESOME friend Mrs. J til we get back. Which is in July. other than my family, HER little family makes my life awesome. the laughs we share are some of the best i have had. we have the same sense of humor. i love her little girl something fierce, and her husband is so awesome. her boy is just an amazing kid, smart and kind and just... awesome. I love them! they are an extension of my own family, and i don't want it any other way.

wow, im gushing. but this is why i don't want to go. ill miss my friend, my husband, my family being together. we will have an AMAZING time as always! so i guess it's just part of that give and take you do in life. I love my husband so much for understanding how i need this time with my dad every year, and that he never makes me feel guilty for taking his kid from him for weeks at a time.

ive slowly been getting things together, so i don't have to rush around last minute. this is SO unlike me.  but i know ill get packed at last minute. since i have like exactly three shirts and two pair of pants to bring. god i love being poor! :)

coffee is kicking in, so im gonna actually be productive... or play video games. what to do what to do...

Tuesday. Random. Here I go!

it's Tuesday. And here i thought it was Monday til i heard banging at my door at 9:35 then shot up realizing it was Tuesday and Maz has speech therapy. Fail mommy. Major fail. Then again, kid fails cuz she was still asleep at 9:35! doesn't she realize SHE is my alarm clock??? what a way to start the day.

Random is the key word about the friggin weather here. by now it should be AT LEAST 80 degrees EVERY day. instead for memorial day weekend we got highs of 50 and hail in the city. SNOW IN THE FOOTHILLS. what... the...fuck. I hate you northern Nevada. I WANT MY SUMMER ALREADY!

my kid calls chalk cock. and i giggle every time. it kinda makes me happy. what can i say? I'm really 12 inside.

i really need to blog more. I'm going to be going on a trip with the maz in 9 days up to WA to see my dad. will be gone for a little over three weeks. ill have lots to share when not camping!! so hopefully ill remember to blog every once in a while. i really want too.

iced coffee is amazing. i don't quite understand how i am not such a big fan of hot coffee (unless I'm camping) but iced coffee is ALWAYS in my fridge. i think my coffee maker and fridge love me and put magic in my iced coffee while it's cooling. that must be it.

I hate teenagers. like, a lot. all the teens i seem to run into are brats and think that the world owes them everything. and it doesn't matter if they are from rich families or poor families. I really hope that my kid doesn't end up that way, i was a little asshole sometimes, but my dad made sure that i was ALWAYS respectful to adults and that i knew what i had was special. i was never one of those kids who EXPECTED things. if i got things it was earned in some way. I don't get it.

my husband can't cook worth shit. but MAN he knows his way around a BBQ. For some reason it gets me all excited (in the pants like). I'm weird.

saw glee live with my bestie a week ago. it was amazing. i felt 13 again! singing to all the songs, screaming at the top of my lungs "I LOVE YOU PUCKERMAN!" stalking the celeb tour buses and freaking out when i got high fived by a Warbler. it was awesome.

speaking of warblers, every time i hear this word it makes me think of someone with balls in their mouth singing around them. kinda like a hummer, but with words. this ALSO makes me giggle.

not much randomness this week. oh well! we can't all be in top form ALL the time!

thats right! IT"S TUESDAY!

I have been neglecting you, my little blog friend. Life has been busy and good, but it's Tuesday and i come to spread my randomness!!!

This one is from my husband, and it's a good one too. Why does Boots the monkey in Dora wear boots? and why red? Dude runs around nekkid except for his red boots. i wish i could do that.

it really pisses me off when i see people at the grocery store at the first of the month (welfare, food stamps) ahead of you in line with a whole cart overloaded with food. they bust out that handy dandy little food stamp card and get everything paid for with my husbands taxes (and all you other hard working people too) and i see them in the parking lot loading those groceries into A HUGE ESCALADE WITH 5000.00 RIMS AND TIRES. if you need food stamp money so bad, SELL THAT FUCKING LUXURY SUV YOU TOOLBAG!!!

I have been eating lots of egg salad lately. Thanks to inspiration from my dear friend Mrs. J. I think hubby is irritated, cuz the house smells like rotten egg salad.... from my farts. HAHAHAHAHA

i don't watch dancing with the stars, and now that it is almost over i realize i should have watched this season. and i have it on hulu, so maybe ill watch the whole thing. KARATE KID AND KRISTIE ALLEY??? omg! how did i miss this???

yesterday little Maz was watching me neaten up the couch. i was bent over it, and i feel these two little hands start to bongo on my butt. she yells in her sweet pixie like voice :  "BUTT BUTT BUTT!!! PEEEEE YEW!!!!" and proceeds to giggle her little head off. I really do love being her mom :)

I keep trying to make fried rice, tried different recipes and methods. they all taste super! but my problem is, it stays sticky and never separates like in the restaurants. it's really pissing me off, I JUST WANT PERFECT FRIED RICE FOR MY LEFTOVERS DAMMIT!!

I'm pissed off at the stupid weather. it should be a steady 75+ degrees here everyday by now. it was for about 4 days, then we go back to highs of 45. 60 degrees if we are lucky. I WANT MY HEAT ALREADY! i live in the desert for a reason dammit!

I just kinda woke up while typing. I knew i was gonna blog a little, but i literally just realized the things i have been rambling about. that is funny as hell! tired blogging makes for crazy blogging!!!

HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYONE!!

RTT BABY! (shit i thought it was Monday)

LET THE RANDOM BEGIN!




i totally thought it was Monday. so these will really be random thoughts!

I love my kid more than anything, but days like today make me wanna give her away. it's a snack. i mean really? you have several choices. PICK ONE FOR CHRIST SAKE! but i do love her, and my life would be not at all cool or fun if she wasn't around.

Why does a recipe immediately get labeled as Asian if it includes ginger? saw one for "Asian spaghetti" normal sauce, but without garlic, with ginger. wtf people, that's not Asian. that's fucking crazy white people trying to be ethnic shit!

speaking of shit, i saw this hilarious video of an older black woman in her kitchen cooking, and PISSED OFF that someone in her house left a giant turd in the toilet. I don't think i have laughed that hard in a while. old black lady cooking greens and talking about giant turds? priceless

why can't birds sleep in? I mean, there is NOTHING to chirp about at fucking 4am for christ sake! CRAWL BACK IN YOUR NEST FOR ANOTHER TWO HOURS OF SHUT EYE! i will like you more and my kid will sleep longer.

holy fuck, im saying fuck a lot. Eh... fuck it.

Why do men seem to think it's OK to go ass to mouth? thank god my husband isn't one of them. seriously? you suck on a poopy peener and tell me how good it tastes. it's defiantly not like a fudgecicle.

why is it, when i look at my alarm clock and it's 6:30am it pisses me off. then i walk to my computer desk, and see the EXACT SAME TIME on my hello kitty clock... I'm OK with it and slightly happier? i need more hello kitty stuff. it's like... a pink antidepressant.

i randomly catch myself grabbing my right boob with my left hand. it's like hair twirling, but with cupping. i don't get it.

a "friend" of mine from back home left this stupid facebook post the other than (mothers day) that made me want to kill people. she said, and i QUOTE:  "Laying on the couch with my three girls. It feels so great to be a mom! happy mothers day to me! happy mothers day to all the mom's in my life!"  my problem? she's single, never had kids. she was talking about her FUCKING DOGS. guess what lady, you feed your critters twice a day and let them out to shit in the yard. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A MOTHER. you are a pet owner. fuck off and stop making yourself something you aren't.

I often wonder if people are angrier than they seem? like those people you see, or are around that are always so chipper? i would love to be a fly on the wall of that person's home to see what they are REALLY like. I'm not a hider. i kinda wear my emotions on my sleeve. i love people who do the same, i can't deal with those who just hide behind a wall of smiles all the time. something has GOT to piss you off once in a while! share it! it will make you more interesting.

ahh Tuesday. how i love you :)