Friday, April 29, 2011

don't have a subject

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me. I knew that something was delayed with my little one, not only was she a preemie and in the hospital for 26 days at birth, but she's still so small cuz of her daddy's genes. Preemies usually have developmental delays, but so far everything has been PAST what it should be, except her speech. Yesterday she had a two hour evaluation and they decided she is way behind in her speech and cognitive skills. it was relief to finally get her help, but also a huge kick in the vagina for being her mom.
I know i shouldn't, but i can't help but blame myself for her problems. i didn't know i was pregnant til i was 6 months along, and she was born 2 months and 6 days later, 2 months premature.

I feel like i could have done things better to make her full term, maybe if i would have known, she would have been born normal... maybe it's my fault for her issues. lord knows, her mental health IS my fault, thanks to genetics.

my head tells me there is nothing i can do, and that i shouldn't worry. we are getting her the help she needs. my heart tells a completely different story.  I want the best for her. i want her not to have the life i did. i want her to always be happy and healthy, and i don't want her to have to struggle. I guess that is every parents wish, maybe im not so different. but my soul is having a hard time not responding to all this in a very emotional way.

i hope tonight i have some much needed laughs with J. she's an amazing woman, and always makes me feel better, and not so alone. I need to be a better friend to her. I need to be there for her more i think.

the day has just begun, Im hoping it ends amazing.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Semi lost...

it's been a while. life has been... craptastic to say the least. We are wanting to buy a house, so our little girl has a yard of her own and we can live in a better place than we do now. Turns out, the stupid school that hubby went to and has been having MAJOR issues with for the last 2 years, screwed up SO BADLY that the VA thinks he stole the money that was used to pay for the school and sent 6 grand to collections. so not only did it drop our credit score below qualifying, but it disqualified us for the VA home loan. Starting to be not so pissed off about this now, because it's all getting taken care of NO THANKS TO THE PIECE OF SHIT SCHOOL!

anyway, i didn't really know why i was writing this... I thought it would help me deal with all the shit in my head, instead i sit here and wonder what the point in it all is. Well guess what SELF, maybe if you keep on it, it WILL help. im supposed to be doing this for me, right? well i guess i better keep up with it.

Little Maz has a pretty important evaluation today. She's seeing a whole crap ton of specialists to see if she needs help with her speech. Maybe more, who knows? Im a little nervous, but either outcome is a good thing. if she needs help, she gets it. If she doesn't need it, at least we know she's doing just fine for her age. It's heartbreaking though, she's SO smart and her comprehension is WAY beyond what a two year old's should be. But when she is with her buddies, the little ones her age who speak very clearly, she won't talk. It's like she is embarrassed, and it breaks my heart. she's only TWO and here she has a complex about her speech. Makes me sad.

On a happier note, it's hubbies Friday and we get the next two evenings with good friends. tomorrow night it's dinner and watching Game of Thrones!!! awesome friend J recorded it for me, and we will watch it! then Saturday it's fight night at their house!!! should be fun as well... ill probably not watch it, but just chat with people... fighting for no reason other than to pick a winner kinda messes with me... i don't like unnecessary violence at all. Im a pacifist at heart, really...

little Maz has been waking up in the middle of the night to come in and say hi... and then waking up by 7am... this old body isn't used to that, so now it is time for an early nap for both of us, so i can get her up and fed and make it to the long as hell evaluation she is going too. super bummed hubby can't go with us. stupid work!

i don't think i punctuate properly... too many commas.

M out.