Friday, April 29, 2011

don't have a subject

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me. I knew that something was delayed with my little one, not only was she a preemie and in the hospital for 26 days at birth, but she's still so small cuz of her daddy's genes. Preemies usually have developmental delays, but so far everything has been PAST what it should be, except her speech. Yesterday she had a two hour evaluation and they decided she is way behind in her speech and cognitive skills. it was relief to finally get her help, but also a huge kick in the vagina for being her mom.
I know i shouldn't, but i can't help but blame myself for her problems. i didn't know i was pregnant til i was 6 months along, and she was born 2 months and 6 days later, 2 months premature.

I feel like i could have done things better to make her full term, maybe if i would have known, she would have been born normal... maybe it's my fault for her issues. lord knows, her mental health IS my fault, thanks to genetics.

my head tells me there is nothing i can do, and that i shouldn't worry. we are getting her the help she needs. my heart tells a completely different story.  I want the best for her. i want her not to have the life i did. i want her to always be happy and healthy, and i don't want her to have to struggle. I guess that is every parents wish, maybe im not so different. but my soul is having a hard time not responding to all this in a very emotional way.

i hope tonight i have some much needed laughs with J. she's an amazing woman, and always makes me feel better, and not so alone. I need to be a better friend to her. I need to be there for her more i think.

the day has just begun, Im hoping it ends amazing.

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