Wednesday, August 3, 2011

temporary Sanity? lets hope it sticks...

I feel better today than i have the whole summer. last night i had a much needed talk with my father. He and i are closer than a kid and parent probably should be, but it works. he's my mom and my dad and my best friend. he's always been there for me. And i honestly feel like I'm loosing him.

he's currently with this woman. shes flat out crazy. she loves spending my fathers money and makes hardly any of her own. (by this i mean 800 MAX a month, and this does not go far at all in the greater Seattle area) she pretends to be your friend, share secrets with you, while in turn taking any information she gets from you and twisting it in her evil way to make you seem hateful, angry and just plain mean. Maz and I were there for three weeks, and it was the most miserable summer vacation i have ever had. the amount of lies, and vileness coming from this woman was just sickening. i spent all my time with my daughter and tried to keep away from her as much as possible. the fights she started with my father were countless. the lies she told about me, to me and words she twisted to replay to my father and my grandmother were countless. i wanted to go home after the first two days. but i held out thinking that mazie and i would have time alone with my dad. we did. the last day i was in town, we got 4 hours with him alone. to run errands. this was the only time she allowed us to have with him.

the day i left to go back home, my mother died. we arrived home and the next day i flew back to my dad's place to borrow a car and drive to Canada and help my little brother deal with mom's funeral. the minute i arrived at his house, the first words from her mouth were not I'm so sorry or anything like that. she said, well at least you don't have to deal with your mothers bullshit anymore. she's dead.    i don't care who the hell you are, or how horrid of a mother she was to me, NO ONE has a fucking right to say that shit. NO ONE DOES.

more things happened, including a fight her and i had which got me kicked out of my dad's home because she's a fucking nutty lying bitch. (my dad and i made the decision for me to be away from her because he knew she would not stop) i actually slapped her across the face. i should say, that i have never ever EVER hit anyone in my life. i got the shit kicked out of me in high school, and just stood there. i don't hit or hurt. i just don't. but this woman pushed me farther than anyone in my life ever has. the filth and vileness pouring from her mouth was so immense, before i knew what was happening i was slapping her.

i spent the next week in Canada with my brother and family. when i got back to my home town, my dad and i talked. he kept saying he believes things i say and he believes things she says. he was on the phone with her for 75% of the fight and heard everything. including her acting like i was attacking her, when i was on the other side of the door and he could hear how far away i was. (he told me this) I have never been so hurt or felt so betrayed in my life. i told NOTHING but the truth. he heard a HUGE part of the scuffle and knew that everything she was saying while he was on the phone was a lie. we have compared notes, and he knows that she has been twisting everything i have said to her and repeated it back to him in a hurtful way to make it look like i am talking shit about my own father. it's things that i have dealt with my whole life, and shit i could give a crap about. i don't live with him. i don't even live NEAR him. these things SHE HATES about him are things i don't have to deal with, much less be pissed about. SHE bitches about him to me and tells him that I am the one bitching. it's all just... too much and too hurtful and just plain on NOT TRUTH.

since that night, i have been hurting. hurt by my actions and how they effected my father. hurt by the fact that i asked him to be with me at my mothers funeral and because the new girlfriend thought it was fucked up that i asked, i retracted it. he should have been there to honor his ex wife and to stand by my side. everyone expected him to be there, ESPECIALLY for me. And he wasn't. I can't call his house, because i fear i will have to talk to HER on the phone. he asked me to send her a letter saying i was sorry, so i did. because HE asked me to. will i get a letter in response for how she is sorry for all the bullshit she has done? no i won't. she is texting her daughters about how evil i am. she's telling my dad I'm a horrible person, and apparently he finally told her to fucking shut up *thanks dad* but he's still with her. Last night i called him at work, and i unloaded. i haven't cried that hard in front of him in so long. I told him how worried i was, i felt like i not only lost my mother but i was loosing my father as well. i didn't like how she deceived. how she lies. how she twists truth. how she wants to have this family with my kid, but not with me. i told him i won't have her near my child or in my house. if she is saying this filth to him, what would she say to my kid? i told him i was worried about her spending his money. she maxed out one of his credit cards. he commented "yes, and the fucker is in my pocket as we speak." he also stated to me that things with her haven't been good all summer. even before i got there. but he keeps saying he doesn't know what he's going to do. and THAT scares me.

i told him i was sorry for unloading on him. that i knew it wasn't fair, she is his choice of partner, and I'm his only child. it's not fair to him for me to unload, but i had to do it. i had to tell him because i have NOT been okay. not okay at all. a fit of depression has hit me so fucking hard, that it hurts to breathe. it hurts to smile. Hell, it hurts to wake up and just be alive.

i WANT to live. i WANT to be happy.

i feel better today than i have this whole summer. I said what i needed too. I'm going to focus on MY family and myself. i am finally going to grieve for my mother. as shitty as she was and as ABSENT as she was, she was my only one. i loved her, and i miss her. and that BITCH tried to take that from me. tried to make it so i was so wrapped up in what happened with her, that i forgot to grieve for my dead mother. fuck her. i won't allow her to win. I'm STRONGER than that.

one day at a time. i do that with my sobriety, i need to do that for my brain as well. Today is a new day, and tomorrow is another day dawning.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Im afraid.

it's true. I'm afraid. i don't REALLY know why, but i am. i don't like leaving my house. at all. even if it is to go to my best friends house, or someplace really fun. i just don't like it. i have no problems at all with people coming to MY house and hanging out. it's not people seeing me that is an issue. it's me leaving my safe place that is the issue. And i don't know why!!

Some days i want to leave the house and not come back til it's dinner time or later. doesn't matter what we do, i just don't want to be here. days like those, my safe place feels like a prison. I need to escape, and most times i do. It makes me feel better.

most days i just want to stay home, in my safe place, wearing my jammies all day and just chill with my kid. usually when Jake comes home we will do something. A walk, play at the park, something. and that's good. but i can't do it on my own.

Maybe it's my depression. maybe i really DO need help and i can't really do this by myself. I'm scared. i don't want to be on meds, i don't want to have to rely on some stupid pill to make me feel like a "normal" human. i don't like the idea of that at all, especially with my experience of taking meds for this before. i lost who i was. the girl who makes people laugh, she didn't exist when i was on meds. and i refuse to let her disappear again.

I'm lost. I'm scared and i don't know what to do. right now there is not much i CAN do, being poor as hell and not having medical insurance. oh well. ill figure it out. I always seem to manage.

fuck my brain. i want a new one.