Thursday, March 17, 2011

Gamer girl

I'm a gamer. this means i play video games. A LOT. MMO's to be exact, although i have played my fair share of console games. I used to manage a video game store. I met my husband while gaming. it's a part of my life, and i love it. That being said, i can now go into my actual post.

the problem with gaming is that there are far too many social retards that play as well. it's safe behind the computer screen. no one to see you in your jammies with messy hair and coffee breath. you have a voice in games, when in real life you may not. you can be someone else or be who you truly are. Sometimes people loose their internal sensor. most times boys who get picked on in life, act WORSE than the assholes that pick on them. the Mom in me wants to hug them and tell them it gets easier, and the other mom in me wants to beat some ass.

I don't sensor my true self in games. I spent far to much of my life pretending to be someone else. I am pretty much a what you see is what you get  type of gal. I do have manners and i know when it's appropriate to act like my true self and when it's better to shut the fuck up and just listen. in real life, if i don't know you, i guard who i am. but when i feel comfortable, all bets are off. I'm funny. i am kind. I love my life. i love my family and my friends. I am fiercely loyal. I refuse to put up with bullshit.

I have this fault. and it's trying to make people be better and correct fucked up actions they have made. The problem is.. i care and i probably shouldn't. I get into arguments online A LOT because i want people to be better people, to stop bitching and see what is GOOD instead of always the negative. Maybe i shouldn't care, but i do. i also want to be liked. by EVERYONE. I wish i didn't, but i do. i care about people not liking me. usually it's because they don't give me a chance, but it still hurts deep down.

maybe it's something for me to work on, lord knows i have tried in the past a TON. maybe it's just part of who i am and i need to get used to it and not hide from it...

In the mean time, I'll continue to try and correct stupidity in game. It won't work, but it will be fun trying :)

Outside of my comfort zone...

I have a really hard time not pulling my weight. Example: I am a stay at home mom. My husband busts his ass at work to bring home money for us to spend on bills and food and zee child. What do i do? I take care of the house, yes... but i don't EARN for our family. At this point, until we can get insurance for Maz, i can't get a job even a one day a week part time job. If we earn any more money, she looses medicaid. This drives me batty.

I have this really great friend, and in may she is taking me to see Glee Live. I am SO excited about this!!! getting time to spend with my friend SANS husbands or kids and just us being girls. the bad part? i have no way to repay her other than cooking dinners. this makes me feel so UGH inside.

I got my first real job when i was 14. Newspaper delivery. every single day, rain or shine. it was hard, it gave me money to save for my first car, and i became addicted to working. i had a job from then til 2 years ago. Now i sit at home with my child. Yes, i clean the house, pay the bills, cook the meals, do the shopping... people say it IS work. being a stay at home mom is the hardest job. and it is. but without bringing home something to CONTRIBUTE, i feel like a failure.

I know i shouldn't, but i do... and it sucks.

Awesome friend wants to take me to a concert in two weeks. she says don't worry about anything, but i do. I really do. I wish i could fix that feeling. Friends do things like that for friends. and one day i WILL be able to repay her. Maybe a mom's only weekend or something. I'll think of something.

headache setting in... need coffee... damn you sweet, SWEET caffeine!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Tuesday Night Dinner

Nothing like having two awesome friends over plus their child to make for the best night.

we talked about anal sex, testicle art, hair, TV shows, children and the weird shit they do, sexuality, potty training, catching your child masturbating and SO much more.

i laughed til my side hurt, and then laughed some more.

My brain is becoming less and less muddled... pretty sure it has everything to do with the weather being nicer and getting even a LITTLE of it out here. i haven't been doing it for long, but this seems to be helping.

now i just have to make sure i don't slip backwards into my hole as im trying to climb out...

i think, THIS time... i can do it.

Monday, March 14, 2011

breakfast and bypass...

Once a week, we do Sunday morning breakfast. it never falls on a Sunday. it's designated for hubby's 2nd day off a week, he gets up and makes us bacon, eggs and hash browns. We sit as a family, watch cartoons with the kid and just generally have a good time.

this is a day i ALWAYS look forward too. (he makes killer hash browns)

the sun has been out more than usual the last few days. We ended up going to the park, where Maz (said child) proceeded to stalk this 6 year old boy and his red rubber ball. Kids are pretty funny. She kept yelling "Ball? Ball?" and the older boy refused to let it go, EVEN with his mom and dad calling him a pussy (in Spanish) which i found UTTERLY hilarious. Maybe i shouldn't have, the kid is probably going to grow up with a complex... but i mean come on. he's intimidated by a 2 year old?? he finally gave it up, she threw it and he went running after it ONLY to go hide in his dad's lap once he had the ball safely in his possession.

good times.

good friends J and B are coming with their spawn (awesome kids, both of them) for Tuesday night dinner.
this makes my taste buds happy, and scares my husband because my body ALWAYS rebels this delicious feast. Gas. I get it, and i get it BAD.

Little back story, 6 years ago i had gastric bypass surgery. i was 25, over 400 lbs and a fucking wreck. I knew i would eat myself to death or kill myself before i hit 30. this wasn't a maybe, i knew it as fact. So i changed it. and I'm glad i did. (ill go into why and when and how later, in another update) one awesome side effect: HORRID GAS. it's great, but ONLY when I'm in the comfort of my own home. it's horrid. i can't filter food, so it's probably one of the worst smells on the planet. (OK, maybe not, but it's pretty high up there) My husband has a super sensitive sense of smell and on THREE occasions i have made hubby puke. Yup. the power of my colon has the ability to make others throw up. it's a super power, and one day i SWEAR it's gonna do something for me. (i giggle and think of pee wee's character the Spleen in Mystery Men... it makes me happy)

I'm a gross girl. Super gross. I fart, i burp, I scratch myself, and i make no apologies for it. Then again, in public i have super manners, so it's almost like i have multiple personalities. but it works for me.

I just realized, i rarely capitalize my I's.... maybe it's my low self esteem showing? not important enough for a BIG i... i give myself little ones.

breakfast smells good... I'm excited to eat.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


Fixed the layout. Who knew the Apply to Blog button meant save changes made... and NOT fill out an application to be able to blog... I hate my brain...

there ya go, as my husband would say if he saw this, "I'm totally posting that on facebook!"

he loves how my crazy brain works, and that my simple musings and/or confusion makes me more lovable.

i love him for that.

Well shit...

I don't know why I am here.
Wait... Yes. Yes I do know why I am here. I was inspired by a friend, who is A LOT like me. I figure, she can do it, and somehow have this cleansed feeling, maybe I can too.

So here I am, going to try and blog.

I'm not the best writer. In fact, i don't think i can write at all. So maybe ill just throw a bunch of random thoughts on "paper" and see how it feels. Sounds like a plan!

First off, it's winter. I'm always depressed in the winter. Somehow, since getting older, I've become a sort of recluse. i hate it, but life scares me. I am diagnosed rapid cycling bi polar. WEEEEEEEEEEE! good times. this basically means i jump from manic to depressive like... super fast and almost all the time.

I don't take medication.

I am the mother of an almost 2 year old. she is exactly like me in every way, and this makes me believe she hates me. Actually, she's not exactly like me, she's smarter and more outgoing. But then again, i think i was like that when i was young too.

I have an amazing husband who puts up with my shit. He makes me laugh, and he takes care of me as much as i take care of him. Quite often i take advantage of his ability to love me. I don't understand why he does, and sometimes i lash out at him for no reason, or... just because i can.

I hate my mother, but i am like her in so many ways. Particularly in the things i hate about her.

I have addictions. I am working on them. thank goodness it's not drugs, but alcohol is a problem, and my last drink was new years eve 2010.

I want to be a better person. I want to be more positive. I want to live and not hide.

So here I am, in a sort of therapy. Maybe by airing out my brain to the world, i can gain some sort of self perspective and deal with my crap instead of hiding from it. THAT WOULD BE SO COOL! 

More tomorrow. Testing the waters with this now, I'm a little afraid, i want to fit in. but that is one of my problems. Maybe zero followers is a good thing. We shall see...

OH! and the stupid design thing either won't save how I want my blog to look, or I'm just REALLY stupid. So for now, you get grass and some sort of sky background. It will change as soon as I can figure it out... Any advice would be appreciated!