Wednesday, August 3, 2011

temporary Sanity? lets hope it sticks...

I feel better today than i have the whole summer. last night i had a much needed talk with my father. He and i are closer than a kid and parent probably should be, but it works. he's my mom and my dad and my best friend. he's always been there for me. And i honestly feel like I'm loosing him.

he's currently with this woman. shes flat out crazy. she loves spending my fathers money and makes hardly any of her own. (by this i mean 800 MAX a month, and this does not go far at all in the greater Seattle area) she pretends to be your friend, share secrets with you, while in turn taking any information she gets from you and twisting it in her evil way to make you seem hateful, angry and just plain mean. Maz and I were there for three weeks, and it was the most miserable summer vacation i have ever had. the amount of lies, and vileness coming from this woman was just sickening. i spent all my time with my daughter and tried to keep away from her as much as possible. the fights she started with my father were countless. the lies she told about me, to me and words she twisted to replay to my father and my grandmother were countless. i wanted to go home after the first two days. but i held out thinking that mazie and i would have time alone with my dad. we did. the last day i was in town, we got 4 hours with him alone. to run errands. this was the only time she allowed us to have with him.

the day i left to go back home, my mother died. we arrived home and the next day i flew back to my dad's place to borrow a car and drive to Canada and help my little brother deal with mom's funeral. the minute i arrived at his house, the first words from her mouth were not I'm so sorry or anything like that. she said, well at least you don't have to deal with your mothers bullshit anymore. she's dead.    i don't care who the hell you are, or how horrid of a mother she was to me, NO ONE has a fucking right to say that shit. NO ONE DOES.

more things happened, including a fight her and i had which got me kicked out of my dad's home because she's a fucking nutty lying bitch. (my dad and i made the decision for me to be away from her because he knew she would not stop) i actually slapped her across the face. i should say, that i have never ever EVER hit anyone in my life. i got the shit kicked out of me in high school, and just stood there. i don't hit or hurt. i just don't. but this woman pushed me farther than anyone in my life ever has. the filth and vileness pouring from her mouth was so immense, before i knew what was happening i was slapping her.

i spent the next week in Canada with my brother and family. when i got back to my home town, my dad and i talked. he kept saying he believes things i say and he believes things she says. he was on the phone with her for 75% of the fight and heard everything. including her acting like i was attacking her, when i was on the other side of the door and he could hear how far away i was. (he told me this) I have never been so hurt or felt so betrayed in my life. i told NOTHING but the truth. he heard a HUGE part of the scuffle and knew that everything she was saying while he was on the phone was a lie. we have compared notes, and he knows that she has been twisting everything i have said to her and repeated it back to him in a hurtful way to make it look like i am talking shit about my own father. it's things that i have dealt with my whole life, and shit i could give a crap about. i don't live with him. i don't even live NEAR him. these things SHE HATES about him are things i don't have to deal with, much less be pissed about. SHE bitches about him to me and tells him that I am the one bitching. it's all just... too much and too hurtful and just plain on NOT TRUTH.

since that night, i have been hurting. hurt by my actions and how they effected my father. hurt by the fact that i asked him to be with me at my mothers funeral and because the new girlfriend thought it was fucked up that i asked, i retracted it. he should have been there to honor his ex wife and to stand by my side. everyone expected him to be there, ESPECIALLY for me. And he wasn't. I can't call his house, because i fear i will have to talk to HER on the phone. he asked me to send her a letter saying i was sorry, so i did. because HE asked me to. will i get a letter in response for how she is sorry for all the bullshit she has done? no i won't. she is texting her daughters about how evil i am. she's telling my dad I'm a horrible person, and apparently he finally told her to fucking shut up *thanks dad* but he's still with her. Last night i called him at work, and i unloaded. i haven't cried that hard in front of him in so long. I told him how worried i was, i felt like i not only lost my mother but i was loosing my father as well. i didn't like how she deceived. how she lies. how she twists truth. how she wants to have this family with my kid, but not with me. i told him i won't have her near my child or in my house. if she is saying this filth to him, what would she say to my kid? i told him i was worried about her spending his money. she maxed out one of his credit cards. he commented "yes, and the fucker is in my pocket as we speak." he also stated to me that things with her haven't been good all summer. even before i got there. but he keeps saying he doesn't know what he's going to do. and THAT scares me.

i told him i was sorry for unloading on him. that i knew it wasn't fair, she is his choice of partner, and I'm his only child. it's not fair to him for me to unload, but i had to do it. i had to tell him because i have NOT been okay. not okay at all. a fit of depression has hit me so fucking hard, that it hurts to breathe. it hurts to smile. Hell, it hurts to wake up and just be alive.

i WANT to live. i WANT to be happy.

i feel better today than i have this whole summer. I said what i needed too. I'm going to focus on MY family and myself. i am finally going to grieve for my mother. as shitty as she was and as ABSENT as she was, she was my only one. i loved her, and i miss her. and that BITCH tried to take that from me. tried to make it so i was so wrapped up in what happened with her, that i forgot to grieve for my dead mother. fuck her. i won't allow her to win. I'm STRONGER than that.

one day at a time. i do that with my sobriety, i need to do that for my brain as well. Today is a new day, and tomorrow is another day dawning.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Im afraid.

it's true. I'm afraid. i don't REALLY know why, but i am. i don't like leaving my house. at all. even if it is to go to my best friends house, or someplace really fun. i just don't like it. i have no problems at all with people coming to MY house and hanging out. it's not people seeing me that is an issue. it's me leaving my safe place that is the issue. And i don't know why!!

Some days i want to leave the house and not come back til it's dinner time or later. doesn't matter what we do, i just don't want to be here. days like those, my safe place feels like a prison. I need to escape, and most times i do. It makes me feel better.

most days i just want to stay home, in my safe place, wearing my jammies all day and just chill with my kid. usually when Jake comes home we will do something. A walk, play at the park, something. and that's good. but i can't do it on my own.

Maybe it's my depression. maybe i really DO need help and i can't really do this by myself. I'm scared. i don't want to be on meds, i don't want to have to rely on some stupid pill to make me feel like a "normal" human. i don't like the idea of that at all, especially with my experience of taking meds for this before. i lost who i was. the girl who makes people laugh, she didn't exist when i was on meds. and i refuse to let her disappear again.

I'm lost. I'm scared and i don't know what to do. right now there is not much i CAN do, being poor as hell and not having medical insurance. oh well. ill figure it out. I always seem to manage.

fuck my brain. i want a new one.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Can the rest of my summer be NOT shitty please?

it's been well over a month since i have posted. spent three weeks with my dad in bellingham, and that sucked. got zero time with him and way too much time with his girlfriend. im not a fan. thats all there is to say about that.

on the drive back to reno, we stop at our hotel for the night. just maz and I. my little brother calls and informs me that our mother has died. great. im alone with my 2 year old in a hotel, 8 hours from my husband and 8 hours from my dad. im freaking out. but im trying HARD not to let my kid see it because she's just TWO. so i keep my cool til she is passed out, lock myself in the bathroom with the fan on and shower running and proceed to cry like a baby. never felt so alone in my life.

next day, we get home to my man, and i break down in sobs in his arms. 10 min later im laughing and making plane reservations. i fly BACK to bellingham in less than 12 hours. spend two days in bellingham then drive up to clearwater to help my brother with all the bullshit that goes along with someone dying. it's not fun, but us fucked up kids made it funny, oh boy did we make it funny lol

there is too much to tell about my mom and i's relationship, or really... lack of relationship. basically she left me when i was two, and i saw her summers til i was about 13. then it was farther between visits. i have had a lot of hurt and anger about how she treated me for years, but as i had my own life and grew up, i learned to let it go. i realized how messed up she is, and it's not my fault. and now that she is gone, i never have to wait for that phone call again, one i'd been waiting for since i was 13. and i feel release.

its a blessing really, finally get to know my brother as the young man he is. finally get to know my family who so long wanted something of a relationship with me, but my mom kept me away from all that.

learned so much in the last 12 days, that i need to work on ME. i need to work on being the absolute best me i can be for jake and mazie. I see what i can be should i not care, but i do. i learned the mom and wife i NEVER want to be, and for that... i thank my mother. but i also thank her for the laughs. I am SO much my mothers daughter, its really not funny. but i have the tools to be better than her. and i have the support.

my writing is slap dash and horrid, but im not editing anything because it flowed out this way for a reason. feels like a bit of therapy... but i think i will spell check ;)

the sadness comes and goes, but i think thats how people heal. right now im missing my mom a lot. mostly because i want to laugh, and she could always make me laugh.

Miss you mom... i always missed you.

tomorrow is a new day.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

sadness, but im not REALLY sure why...

The Maz and i leave for WA in 7 days arriving in good ol' Bellingham in 8. i am VERY excited to see my family, but sad about leaving my family here. we won't be with jakey on fathers day. he's totally ok with this since he has to work anyway, but it still sucks. And i won't get to see my awesome AWESOME friend Mrs. J til we get back. Which is in July. other than my family, HER little family makes my life awesome. the laughs we share are some of the best i have had. we have the same sense of humor. i love her little girl something fierce, and her husband is so awesome. her boy is just an amazing kid, smart and kind and just... awesome. I love them! they are an extension of my own family, and i don't want it any other way.

wow, im gushing. but this is why i don't want to go. ill miss my friend, my husband, my family being together. we will have an AMAZING time as always! so i guess it's just part of that give and take you do in life. I love my husband so much for understanding how i need this time with my dad every year, and that he never makes me feel guilty for taking his kid from him for weeks at a time.

ive slowly been getting things together, so i don't have to rush around last minute. this is SO unlike me.  but i know ill get packed at last minute. since i have like exactly three shirts and two pair of pants to bring. god i love being poor! :)

coffee is kicking in, so im gonna actually be productive... or play video games. what to do what to do...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Tuesday. Random. Here I go!


it's Tuesday. And here i thought it was Monday til i heard banging at my door at 9:35 then shot up realizing it was Tuesday and Maz has speech therapy. Fail mommy. Major fail. Then again, kid fails cuz she was still asleep at 9:35! doesn't she realize SHE is my alarm clock??? what a way to start the day.

Random is the key word about the friggin weather here. by now it should be AT LEAST 80 degrees EVERY day. instead for memorial day weekend we got highs of 50 and hail in the city. SNOW IN THE FOOTHILLS. what... the...fuck. I hate you northern Nevada. I WANT MY SUMMER ALREADY!

my kid calls chalk cock. and i giggle every time. it kinda makes me happy. what can i say? I'm really 12 inside.

i really need to blog more. I'm going to be going on a trip with the maz in 9 days up to WA to see my dad. will be gone for a little over three weeks. ill have lots to share when not camping!! so hopefully ill remember to blog every once in a while. i really want too.

iced coffee is amazing. i don't quite understand how i am not such a big fan of hot coffee (unless I'm camping) but iced coffee is ALWAYS in my fridge. i think my coffee maker and fridge love me and put magic in my iced coffee while it's cooling. that must be it.

I hate teenagers. like, a lot. all the teens i seem to run into are brats and think that the world owes them everything. and it doesn't matter if they are from rich families or poor families. I really hope that my kid doesn't end up that way, i was a little asshole sometimes, but my dad made sure that i was ALWAYS respectful to adults and that i knew what i had was special. i was never one of those kids who EXPECTED things. if i got things it was earned in some way. I don't get it.

my husband can't cook worth shit. but MAN he knows his way around a BBQ. For some reason it gets me all excited (in the pants like). I'm weird.

saw glee live with my bestie a week ago. it was amazing. i felt 13 again! singing to all the songs, screaming at the top of my lungs "I LOVE YOU PUCKERMAN!" stalking the celeb tour buses and freaking out when i got high fived by a Warbler. it was awesome.

speaking of warblers, every time i hear this word it makes me think of someone with balls in their mouth singing around them. kinda like a hummer, but with words. this ALSO makes me giggle.

not much randomness this week. oh well! we can't all be in top form ALL the time!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

thats right! IT"S TUESDAY!


I have been neglecting you, my little blog friend. Life has been busy and good, but it's Tuesday and i come to spread my randomness!!!

This one is from my husband, and it's a good one too. Why does Boots the monkey in Dora wear boots? and why red? Dude runs around nekkid except for his red boots. i wish i could do that.

it really pisses me off when i see people at the grocery store at the first of the month (welfare, food stamps) ahead of you in line with a whole cart overloaded with food. they bust out that handy dandy little food stamp card and get everything paid for with my husbands taxes (and all you other hard working people too) and i see them in the parking lot loading those groceries into A HUGE ESCALADE WITH 5000.00 RIMS AND TIRES. if you need food stamp money so bad, SELL THAT FUCKING LUXURY SUV YOU TOOLBAG!!!

I have been eating lots of egg salad lately. Thanks to inspiration from my dear friend Mrs. J. I think hubby is irritated, cuz the house smells like rotten egg salad.... from my farts. HAHAHAHAHA

i don't watch dancing with the stars, and now that it is almost over i realize i should have watched this season. and i have it on hulu, so maybe ill watch the whole thing. KARATE KID AND KRISTIE ALLEY??? omg! how did i miss this???

yesterday little Maz was watching me neaten up the couch. i was bent over it, and i feel these two little hands start to bongo on my butt. she yells in her sweet pixie like voice :  "BUTT BUTT BUTT!!! PEEEEE YEW!!!!" and proceeds to giggle her little head off. I really do love being her mom :)

I keep trying to make fried rice, tried different recipes and methods. they all taste super! but my problem is, it stays sticky and never separates like in the restaurants. it's really pissing me off, I JUST WANT PERFECT FRIED RICE FOR MY LEFTOVERS DAMMIT!!

I'm pissed off at the stupid weather. it should be a steady 75+ degrees here everyday by now. it was for about 4 days, then we go back to highs of 45. 60 degrees if we are lucky. I WANT MY HEAT ALREADY! i live in the desert for a reason dammit!

I just kinda woke up while typing. I knew i was gonna blog a little, but i literally just realized the things i have been rambling about. that is funny as hell! tired blogging makes for crazy blogging!!!


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

RTT BABY! (shit i thought it was Monday)



i totally thought it was Monday. so these will really be random thoughts!

I love my kid more than anything, but days like today make me wanna give her away. it's a snack. i mean really? you have several choices. PICK ONE FOR CHRIST SAKE! but i do love her, and my life would be not at all cool or fun if she wasn't around.

Why does a recipe immediately get labeled as Asian if it includes ginger? saw one for "Asian spaghetti" normal sauce, but without garlic, with ginger. wtf people, that's not Asian. that's fucking crazy white people trying to be ethnic shit!

speaking of shit, i saw this hilarious video of an older black woman in her kitchen cooking, and PISSED OFF that someone in her house left a giant turd in the toilet. I don't think i have laughed that hard in a while. old black lady cooking greens and talking about giant turds? priceless

why can't birds sleep in? I mean, there is NOTHING to chirp about at fucking 4am for christ sake! CRAWL BACK IN YOUR NEST FOR ANOTHER TWO HOURS OF SHUT EYE! i will like you more and my kid will sleep longer.

holy fuck, im saying fuck a lot. Eh... fuck it.

Why do men seem to think it's OK to go ass to mouth? thank god my husband isn't one of them. seriously? you suck on a poopy peener and tell me how good it tastes. it's defiantly not like a fudgecicle.

why is it, when i look at my alarm clock and it's 6:30am it pisses me off. then i walk to my computer desk, and see the EXACT SAME TIME on my hello kitty clock... I'm OK with it and slightly happier? i need more hello kitty stuff. it's like... a pink antidepressant.

i randomly catch myself grabbing my right boob with my left hand. it's like hair twirling, but with cupping. i don't get it.

a "friend" of mine from back home left this stupid facebook post the other than (mothers day) that made me want to kill people. she said, and i QUOTE:  "Laying on the couch with my three girls. It feels so great to be a mom! happy mothers day to me! happy mothers day to all the mom's in my life!"  my problem? she's single, never had kids. she was talking about her FUCKING DOGS. guess what lady, you feed your critters twice a day and let them out to shit in the yard. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A MOTHER. you are a pet owner. fuck off and stop making yourself something you aren't.

I often wonder if people are angrier than they seem? like those people you see, or are around that are always so chipper? i would love to be a fly on the wall of that person's home to see what they are REALLY like. I'm not a hider. i kinda wear my emotions on my sleeve. i love people who do the same, i can't deal with those who just hide behind a wall of smiles all the time. something has GOT to piss you off once in a while! share it! it will make you more interesting.

ahh Tuesday. how i love you :)

Chipper McChipperson is in the hizzouse!

days like these i actually hate myself a little for being in such a good mood. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, it's not yet 1000000 degrees in la casa... Little Maz is a happy camper. Life is good. 

I LOVE to cook. I actually was going to go to culinary school, but then i got knocked up. At that point i realized i didn't want to take the fun out of cooking for me. i want to learn to cook for my family and friends, not as a job. PLUS the hours a chef puts in are insane, and i wasn't about to let my new family be neglected like that. So i watched a SHIT TON of food network, read a craptastic amount of cooking websites, and tinkered with recipes. Apparently, i do pretty well. Cooking for other people makes me so happy. When there is NO food left over because everyone ate it all, my little heart sings. Cooking is bliss.

last night i tried a new recipe, which is hard for me to do because i hate failing. I'm a kitchen perfectionist. The first time i cook a new dish, i kinda get a little panicky because if it isn't good, not only did i FAIL, but i wasted all that food. ANYWAY, i made balsamic and onion chicken thighs. holy shit. it was like heaven in my mouth. and THAT is saying a lot!

reading back, I'm not exactly sure where i was going with this post. Meh... nothin like airing out the old brain now and then!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Friday Fun Day!

Wow that title is sure chipper. and i don't really feel it yet, but I'm going for the power of positivity! (yeah yeah, that made me throw up a little too... I'm so not positive yet!)

was woken up at 7:30 by a cold ass water bottle being pressed into my warm as hell back. yeah, morning to you too, little maz. thanks for the lack of sleep. i appreciate it SO FRIGGIN MUCH.

I'm tired, and a little grumpy right now. so sue me. the coffee has yet to set in. bite my ass, world!

Last night, i stepped out of my comfort zone a little, and decided to participate in Nerd Night with Mr. Slim and Tall and his homeys. Yes, i said homeys. They play this game called Shadowrun. it's like Dungeons and Dragons but all futuristic and matrix like. you plug into machines and shit. it's actually pretty cool. I made a character, spent my points on spells and gear, and "role played" her. She is an elf shaman named Twyla Sanchez. she's also a junkie whore. and she's awesome.

before the drugged out whoring could begin, we had people over for dinner. BBQ chicken, potato salad and veggies. it was awesome. the more i am around our partner family in crime, the more i love them. T man, little C and MR. and Mrs. J are awesome. Love them to pieces, and am SO SO SO glad we met them.

off to see the nutritionist at WIC, apparently if your kid isn't a little fat ass, they think you starve them. Sorry bitch lady from hell who has NO kids of her own, my kid is very active and eats like a pig. HAVE YOU SEEN HER FATHER? Oh wait, you FUCKING HAVE. back off bitch, i don't starve my kid. (can you tell i hate this lady?) Afterwards, it's nap time, followed by a lunch at the park, then a little nightgown shopping for the Maz and a quick run to the grocery store. Followed by dinner and fun with my family. I love them.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

busy day, fun filled night!

Holy crap. i have followers! HI FOLLOWERS!!!! *wave*

So yesterday, Mr. Sexyman and i, (apparently his title changes depending on how happy i am or something, work with me here people!) invited people over to the house for dinner before asking each other. Which is totally fine, the more the merrier in my opinion! that being said, we are having 7 POSSIBLY 8 people over for BBQ chicken tonight, in our tiny ass apartment. the Maz and her partner in crime, little C, have been having so much fun together, that they should ALONE be good entertainment. That being said, i have a SHITLOAD of potato salad to make. Which also means i have to go to the store ASAP cuz i need eggs. Mrs J inspired me to make a bucket of egg salad the other day and i kinda forgot that i needed eggs til about 30 min ago.

After the BBQ, Mr Sexyman is having Nerd Night. This is when our geeky boy buddies come over and they play some sort of nerdy game. D&D, Shadowrun, nerdy boardgames, whatever they decide to do. In the past, I have just sat in front of my computer and played whatever MMO i am currently sucked into. Lately it's been Rift (which is amazing, and i love it) but we have decided as a couple (thanks to the amazing advice and help of Mrs. J) that we need to work on US. Part of which is me meeting Mr. Sexyman's needs and doing things with him. So, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, and going to be sitting around the coffee table and role playing with my man and our geeky friends. I'm a little nervous, i don't exactly roll play well. BUT i also don't want to be 50 years old, and look over at my husband and realize i don't know him and have very little in common with him. So i am going to try. that's all i can do, right?

oh shit, i just realized that today is Cinco de Mayo. Which honestly means nothing in Mexico. it's NOT their Independence day, it's actually the day they beat the French's ass in the battle for Puebla. and they dont' celebrate in Mexico. SO, I'm thinking just a shit ton of Texans wanted another reason to party, kill a huge cow and eat it. That's enough reason for me! Mmmmm beef....

I just asked the Maz if she wanted to go to the store to get eggs. She said: "Egg? Ya! Sure! Great!" and jumped up from the table and slid into her little crocs. Man i love her cute little butt, she's so funny!

tonight is gonna be fun, can't WAIT!


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Jumpin on the bandwagon. RTT starting... NOW!


I am a hair twister. i love the way it feels super soft on my fingers. when it's long enough, i usually run it across my upper lip, right below my nose.

Why do Christians feel the need to wear their badge of jesushood on their cars, or shirts, or key chains... are they reminding themselves that they are Christians or trying to remind the big man in the clouds?

Im super bummed that the tongue brush that i really wanna get for the hubby and I isn't where it's supposed to be sold. Online, or at winco. checked both Winco's, no tongue brush. i don't wanna pay shipping and handling fees!

sometimes, when im drinking diet drinks, and i breathe out through my nose after taking a drink... the after taste is like nasty crotch smell. i don't understand why, so i try and always breathe out through my mouth AFTER swallowing diet juice. Soda never does this. i don't get it.

I don't understand why Sid the sloth, from the movie Ice Age, has a lisp. are they trying to say that slow people have lisps? that sloths have speech impediments? that people with lisps are sloths? Are lisps supposed to be funny? My friend Chris has a pretty bad lisp. I remember once in high school, we were doing some stupid project involving cutting out pictures of countries from maps, Chris asked a simple question that busted up the whole class, and those who remember still laugh about it to this day... the question was this: Mr. Soderquist? Can you please pass me some scissors? now say it with a lisp. Now have yourself a good laugh.

small set of thoughts, a good start though. Yay Tuesdays!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Wild and crazy!

the last two days have been OH so good! dinner TWO nights in a row with the Jared's and their kiddo's. it's amazing to see two little girls play together, they are both just so cute! it's neat, because they are both so different, C is very lovey and can get so emotional (and it's about the CUTEST THING EVER) and she loves to snuggle me, which i miss out on with little maz. Maz isn't a snuggler (except she loves to be with Mrs.J, which actually warms my heart, thought for sure i'd be jealous, but im not. it makes me feel good that maz loves her like that) the two of them get into trouble together. C is the muscle and the fun behind it and Maz is the sneaky planner.  little turd fell and busted her tooth into her lip, AGAIN.

i actually watched a UFC fight, and had a blast. all those buff mens in tight shorts (ok, i only like the ones in tight shorts, most of em wear baggy stuff, and honestly most are so beat up that i would need a bag for their heads anyway) eating good food with good friends and just generally having a blast with people. Im making a promise to myself right now, to spend more time with Mrs. J. I adore her, her family, and being around her makes me feel GOOD. i need more of that in my life. We click so well, we laugh at the same stuff, we are going through the same issues, it's just... nice. plus her husband seems to be able to put up with my shit, and i love her kids oh so much.

tonight possibly going to dinner with hubby's dad... i can't stand the man at all, but im trying very hard for him and the little one. hopefully the night ends well, and not in a shit storm of anger like i usually have.

think positive, and BE positive right? We will see...

Friday, April 29, 2011

don't have a subject

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me. I knew that something was delayed with my little one, not only was she a preemie and in the hospital for 26 days at birth, but she's still so small cuz of her daddy's genes. Preemies usually have developmental delays, but so far everything has been PAST what it should be, except her speech. Yesterday she had a two hour evaluation and they decided she is way behind in her speech and cognitive skills. it was relief to finally get her help, but also a huge kick in the vagina for being her mom.
I know i shouldn't, but i can't help but blame myself for her problems. i didn't know i was pregnant til i was 6 months along, and she was born 2 months and 6 days later, 2 months premature.

I feel like i could have done things better to make her full term, maybe if i would have known, she would have been born normal... maybe it's my fault for her issues. lord knows, her mental health IS my fault, thanks to genetics.

my head tells me there is nothing i can do, and that i shouldn't worry. we are getting her the help she needs. my heart tells a completely different story.  I want the best for her. i want her not to have the life i did. i want her to always be happy and healthy, and i don't want her to have to struggle. I guess that is every parents wish, maybe im not so different. but my soul is having a hard time not responding to all this in a very emotional way.

i hope tonight i have some much needed laughs with J. she's an amazing woman, and always makes me feel better, and not so alone. I need to be a better friend to her. I need to be there for her more i think.

the day has just begun, Im hoping it ends amazing.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Semi lost...

it's been a while. life has been... craptastic to say the least. We are wanting to buy a house, so our little girl has a yard of her own and we can live in a better place than we do now. Turns out, the stupid school that hubby went to and has been having MAJOR issues with for the last 2 years, screwed up SO BADLY that the VA thinks he stole the money that was used to pay for the school and sent 6 grand to collections. so not only did it drop our credit score below qualifying, but it disqualified us for the VA home loan. Starting to be not so pissed off about this now, because it's all getting taken care of NO THANKS TO THE PIECE OF SHIT SCHOOL!

anyway, i didn't really know why i was writing this... I thought it would help me deal with all the shit in my head, instead i sit here and wonder what the point in it all is. Well guess what SELF, maybe if you keep on it, it WILL help. im supposed to be doing this for me, right? well i guess i better keep up with it.

Little Maz has a pretty important evaluation today. She's seeing a whole crap ton of specialists to see if she needs help with her speech. Maybe more, who knows? Im a little nervous, but either outcome is a good thing. if she needs help, she gets it. If she doesn't need it, at least we know she's doing just fine for her age. It's heartbreaking though, she's SO smart and her comprehension is WAY beyond what a two year old's should be. But when she is with her buddies, the little ones her age who speak very clearly, she won't talk. It's like she is embarrassed, and it breaks my heart. she's only TWO and here she has a complex about her speech. Makes me sad.

On a happier note, it's hubbies Friday and we get the next two evenings with good friends. tomorrow night it's dinner and watching Game of Thrones!!! awesome friend J recorded it for me, and we will watch it! then Saturday it's fight night at their house!!! should be fun as well... ill probably not watch it, but just chat with people... fighting for no reason other than to pick a winner kinda messes with me... i don't like unnecessary violence at all. Im a pacifist at heart, really...

little Maz has been waking up in the middle of the night to come in and say hi... and then waking up by 7am... this old body isn't used to that, so now it is time for an early nap for both of us, so i can get her up and fed and make it to the long as hell evaluation she is going too. super bummed hubby can't go with us. stupid work!

i don't think i punctuate properly... too many commas.

M out.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Gamer girl

I'm a gamer. this means i play video games. A LOT. MMO's to be exact, although i have played my fair share of console games. I used to manage a video game store. I met my husband while gaming. it's a part of my life, and i love it. That being said, i can now go into my actual post.

the problem with gaming is that there are far too many social retards that play as well. it's safe behind the computer screen. no one to see you in your jammies with messy hair and coffee breath. you have a voice in games, when in real life you may not. you can be someone else or be who you truly are. Sometimes people loose their internal sensor. most times boys who get picked on in life, act WORSE than the assholes that pick on them. the Mom in me wants to hug them and tell them it gets easier, and the other mom in me wants to beat some ass.

I don't sensor my true self in games. I spent far to much of my life pretending to be someone else. I am pretty much a what you see is what you get  type of gal. I do have manners and i know when it's appropriate to act like my true self and when it's better to shut the fuck up and just listen. in real life, if i don't know you, i guard who i am. but when i feel comfortable, all bets are off. I'm funny. i am kind. I love my life. i love my family and my friends. I am fiercely loyal. I refuse to put up with bullshit.

I have this fault. and it's trying to make people be better and correct fucked up actions they have made. The problem is.. i care and i probably shouldn't. I get into arguments online A LOT because i want people to be better people, to stop bitching and see what is GOOD instead of always the negative. Maybe i shouldn't care, but i do. i also want to be liked. by EVERYONE. I wish i didn't, but i do. i care about people not liking me. usually it's because they don't give me a chance, but it still hurts deep down.

maybe it's something for me to work on, lord knows i have tried in the past a TON. maybe it's just part of who i am and i need to get used to it and not hide from it...

In the mean time, I'll continue to try and correct stupidity in game. It won't work, but it will be fun trying :)

Outside of my comfort zone...

I have a really hard time not pulling my weight. Example: I am a stay at home mom. My husband busts his ass at work to bring home money for us to spend on bills and food and zee child. What do i do? I take care of the house, yes... but i don't EARN for our family. At this point, until we can get insurance for Maz, i can't get a job even a one day a week part time job. If we earn any more money, she looses medicaid. This drives me batty.

I have this really great friend, and in may she is taking me to see Glee Live. I am SO excited about this!!! getting time to spend with my friend SANS husbands or kids and just us being girls. the bad part? i have no way to repay her other than cooking dinners. this makes me feel so UGH inside.

I got my first real job when i was 14. Newspaper delivery. every single day, rain or shine. it was hard, it gave me money to save for my first car, and i became addicted to working. i had a job from then til 2 years ago. Now i sit at home with my child. Yes, i clean the house, pay the bills, cook the meals, do the shopping... people say it IS work. being a stay at home mom is the hardest job. and it is. but without bringing home something to CONTRIBUTE, i feel like a failure.

I know i shouldn't, but i do... and it sucks.

Awesome friend wants to take me to a concert in two weeks. she says don't worry about anything, but i do. I really do. I wish i could fix that feeling. Friends do things like that for friends. and one day i WILL be able to repay her. Maybe a mom's only weekend or something. I'll think of something.

headache setting in... need coffee... damn you sweet, SWEET caffeine!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Tuesday Night Dinner

Nothing like having two awesome friends over plus their child to make for the best night.

we talked about anal sex, testicle art, hair, TV shows, children and the weird shit they do, sexuality, potty training, catching your child masturbating and SO much more.

i laughed til my side hurt, and then laughed some more.

My brain is becoming less and less muddled... pretty sure it has everything to do with the weather being nicer and getting even a LITTLE of it out here. i haven't been doing it for long, but this seems to be helping.

now i just have to make sure i don't slip backwards into my hole as im trying to climb out...

i think, THIS time... i can do it.

Monday, March 14, 2011

breakfast and bypass...

Once a week, we do Sunday morning breakfast. it never falls on a Sunday. it's designated for hubby's 2nd day off a week, he gets up and makes us bacon, eggs and hash browns. We sit as a family, watch cartoons with the kid and just generally have a good time.

this is a day i ALWAYS look forward too. (he makes killer hash browns)

the sun has been out more than usual the last few days. We ended up going to the park, where Maz (said child) proceeded to stalk this 6 year old boy and his red rubber ball. Kids are pretty funny. She kept yelling "Ball? Ball?" and the older boy refused to let it go, EVEN with his mom and dad calling him a pussy (in Spanish) which i found UTTERLY hilarious. Maybe i shouldn't have, the kid is probably going to grow up with a complex... but i mean come on. he's intimidated by a 2 year old?? he finally gave it up, she threw it and he went running after it ONLY to go hide in his dad's lap once he had the ball safely in his possession.

good times.

good friends J and B are coming with their spawn (awesome kids, both of them) for Tuesday night dinner.
this makes my taste buds happy, and scares my husband because my body ALWAYS rebels this delicious feast. Gas. I get it, and i get it BAD.

Little back story, 6 years ago i had gastric bypass surgery. i was 25, over 400 lbs and a fucking wreck. I knew i would eat myself to death or kill myself before i hit 30. this wasn't a maybe, i knew it as fact. So i changed it. and I'm glad i did. (ill go into why and when and how later, in another update) one awesome side effect: HORRID GAS. it's great, but ONLY when I'm in the comfort of my own home. it's horrid. i can't filter food, so it's probably one of the worst smells on the planet. (OK, maybe not, but it's pretty high up there) My husband has a super sensitive sense of smell and on THREE occasions i have made hubby puke. Yup. the power of my colon has the ability to make others throw up. it's a super power, and one day i SWEAR it's gonna do something for me. (i giggle and think of pee wee's character the Spleen in Mystery Men... it makes me happy)

I'm a gross girl. Super gross. I fart, i burp, I scratch myself, and i make no apologies for it. Then again, in public i have super manners, so it's almost like i have multiple personalities. but it works for me.

I just realized, i rarely capitalize my I's.... maybe it's my low self esteem showing? not important enough for a BIG i... i give myself little ones.

breakfast smells good... I'm excited to eat.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


Fixed the layout. Who knew the Apply to Blog button meant save changes made... and NOT fill out an application to be able to blog... I hate my brain...

there ya go, as my husband would say if he saw this, "I'm totally posting that on facebook!"

he loves how my crazy brain works, and that my simple musings and/or confusion makes me more lovable.

i love him for that.

Well shit...

I don't know why I am here.
Wait... Yes. Yes I do know why I am here. I was inspired by a friend, who is A LOT like me. I figure, she can do it, and somehow have this cleansed feeling, maybe I can too.

So here I am, going to try and blog.

I'm not the best writer. In fact, i don't think i can write at all. So maybe ill just throw a bunch of random thoughts on "paper" and see how it feels. Sounds like a plan!

First off, it's winter. I'm always depressed in the winter. Somehow, since getting older, I've become a sort of recluse. i hate it, but life scares me. I am diagnosed rapid cycling bi polar. WEEEEEEEEEEE! good times. this basically means i jump from manic to depressive like... super fast and almost all the time.

I don't take medication.

I am the mother of an almost 2 year old. she is exactly like me in every way, and this makes me believe she hates me. Actually, she's not exactly like me, she's smarter and more outgoing. But then again, i think i was like that when i was young too.

I have an amazing husband who puts up with my shit. He makes me laugh, and he takes care of me as much as i take care of him. Quite often i take advantage of his ability to love me. I don't understand why he does, and sometimes i lash out at him for no reason, or... just because i can.

I hate my mother, but i am like her in so many ways. Particularly in the things i hate about her.

I have addictions. I am working on them. thank goodness it's not drugs, but alcohol is a problem, and my last drink was new years eve 2010.

I want to be a better person. I want to be more positive. I want to live and not hide.

So here I am, in a sort of therapy. Maybe by airing out my brain to the world, i can gain some sort of self perspective and deal with my crap instead of hiding from it. THAT WOULD BE SO COOL! 

More tomorrow. Testing the waters with this now, I'm a little afraid, i want to fit in. but that is one of my problems. Maybe zero followers is a good thing. We shall see...

OH! and the stupid design thing either won't save how I want my blog to look, or I'm just REALLY stupid. So for now, you get grass and some sort of sky background. It will change as soon as I can figure it out... Any advice would be appreciated!