Monday, August 1, 2011

Im afraid.

it's true. I'm afraid. i don't REALLY know why, but i am. i don't like leaving my house. at all. even if it is to go to my best friends house, or someplace really fun. i just don't like it. i have no problems at all with people coming to MY house and hanging out. it's not people seeing me that is an issue. it's me leaving my safe place that is the issue. And i don't know why!!

Some days i want to leave the house and not come back til it's dinner time or later. doesn't matter what we do, i just don't want to be here. days like those, my safe place feels like a prison. I need to escape, and most times i do. It makes me feel better.

most days i just want to stay home, in my safe place, wearing my jammies all day and just chill with my kid. usually when Jake comes home we will do something. A walk, play at the park, something. and that's good. but i can't do it on my own.

Maybe it's my depression. maybe i really DO need help and i can't really do this by myself. I'm scared. i don't want to be on meds, i don't want to have to rely on some stupid pill to make me feel like a "normal" human. i don't like the idea of that at all, especially with my experience of taking meds for this before. i lost who i was. the girl who makes people laugh, she didn't exist when i was on meds. and i refuse to let her disappear again.

I'm lost. I'm scared and i don't know what to do. right now there is not much i CAN do, being poor as hell and not having medical insurance. oh well. ill figure it out. I always seem to manage.

fuck my brain. i want a new one.

1 comment:

  1. I have a secret for you...this is exactly how I feel 95 percent of the time! I know when I need to get out and when I am home with Lil C I detest dragging her out of the house. Absolutely hate it. I used to be really good with the lugging the kid out with Ty but now not so much. If you want to get out, don't ever hesitate to call and invite yourself over.
    Relying on a pill is scary but if nothing is working sometimes that pill can be a life saver. I understand the insurance thing, it sucks. I am sending you HUGE hugs!