it's been well over a month since i have posted. spent three weeks with my dad in bellingham, and that sucked. got zero time with him and way too much time with his girlfriend. im not a fan. thats all there is to say about that.
on the drive back to reno, we stop at our hotel for the night. just maz and I. my little brother calls and informs me that our mother has died. great. im alone with my 2 year old in a hotel, 8 hours from my husband and 8 hours from my dad. im freaking out. but im trying HARD not to let my kid see it because she's just TWO. so i keep my cool til she is passed out, lock myself in the bathroom with the fan on and shower running and proceed to cry like a baby. never felt so alone in my life.
next day, we get home to my man, and i break down in sobs in his arms. 10 min later im laughing and making plane reservations. i fly BACK to bellingham in less than 12 hours. spend two days in bellingham then drive up to clearwater to help my brother with all the bullshit that goes along with someone dying. it's not fun, but us fucked up kids made it funny, oh boy did we make it funny lol
there is too much to tell about my mom and i's relationship, or really... lack of relationship. basically she left me when i was two, and i saw her summers til i was about 13. then it was farther between visits. i have had a lot of hurt and anger about how she treated me for years, but as i had my own life and grew up, i learned to let it go. i realized how messed up she is, and it's not my fault. and now that she is gone, i never have to wait for that phone call again, one i'd been waiting for since i was 13. and i feel release.
its a blessing really, finally get to know my brother as the young man he is. finally get to know my family who so long wanted something of a relationship with me, but my mom kept me away from all that.
learned so much in the last 12 days, that i need to work on ME. i need to work on being the absolute best me i can be for jake and mazie. I see what i can be should i not care, but i do. i learned the mom and wife i NEVER want to be, and for that... i thank my mother. but i also thank her for the laughs. I am SO much my mothers daughter, its really not funny. but i have the tools to be better than her. and i have the support.
my writing is slap dash and horrid, but im not editing anything because it flowed out this way for a reason. feels like a bit of therapy... but i think i will spell check ;)
the sadness comes and goes, but i think thats how people heal. right now im missing my mom a lot. mostly because i want to laugh, and she could always make me laugh.
Miss you mom... i always missed you.
tomorrow is a new day.