Well shit...

I don't know why I am here.
Wait... Yes. Yes I do know why I am here. I was inspired by a friend, who is A LOT like me. I figure, she can do it, and somehow have this cleansed feeling, maybe I can too.

So here I am, going to try and blog.

I'm not the best writer. In fact, i don't think i can write at all. So maybe ill just throw a bunch of random thoughts on "paper" and see how it feels. Sounds like a plan!

First off, it's winter. I'm always depressed in the winter. Somehow, since getting older, I've become a sort of recluse. i hate it, but life scares me. I am diagnosed rapid cycling bi polar. WEEEEEEEEEEE! good times. this basically means i jump from manic to depressive like... super fast and almost all the time.

I don't take medication.

I am the mother of an almost 2 year old. she is exactly like me in every way, and this makes me believe she hates me. Actually, she's not exactly like me, she's smarter and more outgoing. But then again, i think i was like that when i was young too.

I have an amazing husband who puts up with my shit. He makes me laugh, and he takes care of me as much as i take care of him. Quite often i take advantage of his ability to love me. I don't understand why he does, and sometimes i lash out at him for no reason, or... just because i can.

I hate my mother, but i am like her in so many ways. Particularly in the things i hate about her.

I have addictions. I am working on them. thank goodness it's not drugs, but alcohol is a problem, and my last drink was new years eve 2010.

I want to be a better person. I want to be more positive. I want to live and not hide.

So here I am, in a sort of therapy. Maybe by airing out my brain to the world, i can gain some sort of self perspective and deal with my crap instead of hiding from it. THAT WOULD BE SO COOL! 

More tomorrow. Testing the waters with this now, I'm a little afraid, i want to fit in. but that is one of my problems. Maybe zero followers is a good thing. We shall see...

OH! and the stupid design thing either won't save how I want my blog to look, or I'm just REALLY stupid. So for now, you get grass and some sort of sky background. It will change as soon as I can figure it out... Any advice would be appreciated!